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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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The Win-Win process for couples in crisis

Couples seeking marital help will naturally fit into a few camps.

From both people knowing they are making the marriage worse, but don’t know what to do about it.

To one person virtually out of the marriage, but for the kids they will give it a go.

To two people that say they love each other, but can’t live with each other.

To helping just one person to save their marriage alone.

Every couple has a unique starting point and how that person or couple approaches the starting point affects the direction of travel.

The first step is an important one.

Starting with a WIN-WIN in mind

Whatever the starting point the individual/couple must eventually be working towards a win-win model.

So the key is for each couple to establishing a win-win goal that doesn’t stress either person and allows both people to freely explore themselves and their relationship, but from new perspectives.

One of the reasons so much of couples work doesn’t work is the objective is poorly designed at the start.

To start with they go for help without agreeing why they are going so they arrive in yet another battle.

Imagine 2 people in a room each one with a different future goal?

For example: One wants to save the marriage, one doesn’t know what they want so the question is what goal should they create that aligns them to be able to work together as a team?

If a couple is going for communication breakdown and one person feels the breakdown is their partners fault. Are we going to be a team or is one person going to defend themselves against the other.

When a battle is the process, then the process is not going to work.

If you are going to have a meeting due to a broken marriage then the reason for the meeting must be agreed at some point.

Let’s say one person wants out of the marriage, you cannot agree the meeting is to “save the marriage” as it will put too much pressure on the person wanting to leave and they will block everything.

You need a goal that will help them lower their guard and explore intelligently, all pressure creates is a stronger and bigger wall of self-protection.

Start the process as a team

The 3 people working together need to be on the same page working towards the same objective.

Once the couple have this now we are on the right path for a win-win outcome.

This creates the right starting point where the 3 people can work as a team to create an authentic outcome.

So we need two defined points where the couple really is today and what they would both like to get to.

Please note: Where they would like to get to will change based on each persons perspective when they enter the process.

Once you have defined where they are and where they want to get to all that’s left is designing the strategy of the steps they will need to take to go from point A (where they really are) to point B (Their desired outcome).

Point “A” is a critical point as some people are in a worse state than they think and some are not as bad as they think.

In helping couples out of crisis the order of these steps from point A to point B is critical.

In many cases rebuilding trust is a critical first step before you do anything. Imagine if there is no trust and they start talking about their issues with each other.

Who is really going to be interested and what’s the chances of a fight?

Each step towards the outcome they agreed must keep the person aligned with who they are as they go through the process of understanding themselves, their partner and their relationship differently.

You cannot change a person

We are not trying to change the people, just make them more effective at understanding how to translate what is really happening so they stay self aligned.

It’s critical the person isn’t changed as that would only create a short-term change in their behaviour.

Forcing a change will only lead a person into a submission and this won’t work.

For example some may do anything to win their partner back, but unless the behaviour is authentic they will go back to their old ways losing their partner all over again.

Long-term changes only happen when new behaviours are connected to helping the person feel good about themselves as they take action to contribute and influence.

The process must be making each person more effective not changing them to fit the goal.

Time to drop your weapons

By starting with a win-win process that empowers each person to no longer need their weapons and defences the truth can start to appear.

Essentially the couple are left with a new perspective on their situation.

You see if you take away the fear and the confusion and you replace it with knowledge that is empowering and actionable.

It means now each person can freely explore what they are capable of achieving together no holding back.

They can see where they went wrong and why.

This ability to explore with “FREEDOM” is a critical value in this process as each person must act in alignment with what they value most as they discover what path is right for them.

Fixing the marriage is not the objective, organically allowing natural connection is what creates lasting success.

Make it a new pattern

Three months of repatterining a couples perspective and interaction helps the couples to create new patterns of connection.

The goal is to create new patterns that create new constructive behaviours that eventually become actions without thought.

This is what makes the changes easy.

We know what the worst of them both can create because they became very good at that pattern.

They were destructive without thought.

What we need to learn is what can the best of them both create with the right information and understanding?

This has the power to create new constructive win-win patterns that the couple can keep.

The key to their changes is new patterns of behaviours through repetition.

At that point couples can really see their truth and this can now open a new vision for what their future can look like.

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Category iconCommunication,  Destructive Patterns,  Marriage Coaching,  Personal Development,  Rebuilding trust

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

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Success Stories

His marriage was over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness, his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

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“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

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November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

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Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

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Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • His marriage was over!
  • “Needy and not needed!”
  • “Discover the No.1 Philosophy of Highly Effective Spouses: From Struggle to Success”
  • “Unveiling the Secrets: How I Mastered the Art of Resolving Relationship Issues”
  • 3 Foundations for a Healthy Marriage

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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