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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“The Win-Win”

For a relationship to work the couple need to be in a position where they have created a dynamic that helps both people to “WIN” within their relationship.

By “WIN” I mean both people feel connect to what they value which means they are happy with the result of their conflict, communication, situation in fact any experience they have together.

So many couples are using a ‘win-lose’ strategy which ultimately creates a ‘lose-lose’ result which means the couple are likely to be stacking resentments towards each other.

In relationships if anyone loses you both lose, because losing in a relationship creates resentments. So one person may feel they have won an argument, but the big picture is, if they have won then their partner has lost and that formula is destructive.

When couples argue, it’s likely they are on apposing sides of a battle field. They go through a ritual of attack, defend, and counter attack. No one feels good, and so no one wins, they don’t grow closer and the couple die a little each time. Practised over years this can be devastating.

When couples come for my help one of the key tools they are given is how to create win-win scenarios no matter what the situation.

They are taught how to stop being in battle with each other and become a team to understand their situations at a deeper level.

So what behaviours create the lose-lose?

  • A persons need to be right
  • When the person feels they are qualified to judge their partner
  • When someone makes the assumption their partner is trying to hurt them
  • When they feel they have mind reading abilities and claim to know what someone is thinking, or is going to do.
  • Making your partner wrong

These are a few of the common mistakes couples make that create a lose-lose situation. In essence they don’t work and they do destroy.

Creating a win-win scenario requires a much deeper understand of the situation you are in.

This is a simple example in mine and Cloes life together.

It was the weekend and I was making breakfast, Cloe walked into the kitchen and we hugged and she sat at the breakfast table.

A few hours on Cloe walked back in to kitchen where I was on my laptop writing. She came up to me and said “you NEVER hug me!”

Instantly my confused man brain thinks back to 8.30 just before breakfast. So factually she wrong, and NEVER really NEVER!!!

So what do I assume from Cloes words? Do I assume she’s forgetful, mean, thoughtless? Do I need to defend my position and make her see her error?

Of course not, that would make me her judge and I would never be judge her.

As I watched Cloe speak these words I could see in her face she was uncomfortable. Instead of reacting to her words, I wondered what must she be feeling to say those words to me.

So I looked deep into her eyes with love and warmth and said “what is it darling?”

She shuffled a little looking side-to-side and then locked on to my eyes, and over the next 15 minutes she shared with me the real problem. Guess what the hug was not the issue at all.

You see in that moment she wanted my attention to share something that was uncomfortable for her. She used the “You never hug me” as a means to get my attention and connect with me.

Imagine if I had focused on the facts and we ended up in conflict about that who was right or wrong. What then are the chances that Cloe would have wanted to open up and share with me the real problem? Of course the answer is NO CHANCE!

Cloe came to me because she was in pain emotionally and as her protector I have to learn understand her and how she works.

  • So I didn’t need to be right
  • I didn’t judge her
  • I didn’t assume she was trying to hurt me
  • I didn’t assume I knew what the problem was I asked her
  • And I didn’t make her wrong

Couples are missing these simple yet very powerful ways to connect with each other and so they end their relationships.

So I wonder what you are creating in your relationship? Is one or both of you trying to win at the cost of the other?

Creating a win-win dynamic creates a powerfully magnetic connection between two people and paves to way to a far deeper intimate connection.

If you want to get out of your circular conflicts and get rid of stacking resentments then maybe now’s the time to take action to build a new relationship, if that’s you give us a call.

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

His marriage was over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness, his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • His marriage was over!
  • “Needy and not needed!”
  • “Discover the No.1 Philosophy of Highly Effective Spouses: From Struggle to Success”
  • “Unveiling the Secrets: How I Mastered the Art of Resolving Relationship Issues”
  • 3 Foundations for a Healthy Marriage

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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