Who knew that to navigate love effectively and keep the passion alive we all have to become better at understanding human behaviour?
People are being hit financially and emotional simply because they don’t understand the basics of human psychology in themselves and their partner.
Who knew the cost of not understanding this would be significant as families are being ripped apart simply because they don’t understand how they work and fit together?
Relationships are complex and people who are unaware of the moving parts that keep that energy alive are helping their partner to switch off their love for them.
They take actions that make themselves less sexually attractive to their partner.
They are practising behaviours every day that kill the very energy that will keep their partner in the marriage.
The problem is they don’t know what they are doing is destructive.
This is why when a couple comes to me they will bring symptoms they have been trying to fix for years.
They are totally unaware of the causes that create those symptoms so they never solve the problem.
One of those root causes is how each person is triggered and the emotional patterns they run after the trigger.
Every person in this space will not see the emotional trigger they have is unique to them so they will conclude their response to life and others is normal.
One gentleman was suffering due to his own triggers and the meanings he attached to her behaviour.
What most people I meet are not understanding is they are the creators of their own emotional triggers.
They become triggered feel bad and blame other people for how they feel.
Here is what he was not seeing.
His triggers were his way of making himself feel bad, but he was blaming her for creating his bad feelings, he didn’t know this.
His trigger was helping him attach a meaning that he was not aware of to her behaviour.
That hidden meaning was helping him to meet a critical need unique to him but in a very destructive way.
He was unaware of these two critical moving parts his critical need and the meaning he attached to her so he blindly and unfairly blamed her.
Most people are unaware they have critical needs and so will meet them constructively or destructively they don’t care as long as the need is met. This is how many run their emotional needs without thought.
In my world, this is how to become out of control of yourself.
Unfortunately, this out-of-control thinking is destructive in relationships and will kill their connection on both sides.
In his case, it was destructive because he became angry (his way of meeting his need destructively) and that disconnected him from who he is (a loving man), plus his anger was disconnecting her from feeling protected by him.
In fact, she felt she had to protect herself from him at that moment.
Too many of those situations will lead her to emotionally disconnect and that makes reconnection so much harder.
I watch couples do this every day and I have to repattern them so they are back in control of themselves and their relationship.
The fastest way to create a disconnect is to blame your partner for how you feel.
It’s critical to understand our own emotional system first before we bring our distortions to the table and blame others.
It’s only once we understand ourselves are we in a position to help our partner be successful with us.
You see our partner is different from us in every way possible.
So you must understand how to bring the best out of yourself first, or you will keep bringing the worst out of your partner.
You must then understand how your partner is naturally different so you can love their differences and use their unique strengths to bring out the best in you.
Unless you adopt an understanding of human behaviour and what keeps attraction alive you might just be part of what is killing the very thing you love and want to keep.
What you have just read on some level is in every couple I meet which is why I encourage people to explore a marriage before leaving it because people leave marriages and take their problems with them.
It’s why I have to help the individuals first learn how to build the correct relationship with themselves before I will put them in a room together as a couple.
An individual will learn with me how to manage their own emotional system in a way that helps them to become a far more attractive partner.
Individuals who bring out the best in themselves and their partners are powerful relationship partners and it’s why so many people are happy to attend these sessions alone.