I was with a client last week and was talking to her about the concept of living a life where she could choose the feelings she wanted to experience so she could take control of her life and it’s direction.
To her this concept was an alien one. She believed her feelings were automatic and therefore out of her control.
She told me this idea was impossible.
I then started to talk to her about how she had been living. Her fears around ‘trust’ had meant she had been living in her head. Going round and round in circles with no real solution. She used alcohol and friends to get off this vicious cycle, but that fix was always temporary.
I explained to her that by living in her head she was trapped with her fears and this was not who she really was.
I told her to be truly safe she had to find away of living in her heart and that would free her mind of the pain she was in. I told her this would help her mind to become quiet and would free her to be able to plan her future.
I told her she wasn’t being her true self all the time she was living in her head plus living this way was exhausting.
As I spoke I knew she had connected to my words, tears had filled her eyes.
In this moment she had connected to a truth within her, she didn’t know what to do next, but she knew what I said was her truth.
I then spent some time helping her learn how she was creating the feelings she was experiencing. She was now learning how she was the creator of her feelings and during this process she discovered the purpose behind them.
This was the foundation of her taking control of her own life.
She had learnt that the way she was using her mind was keeping her trapped in her own fears. What’s worse is anyone who is stuck in their fears is usually unaware that those fears end up being that persons goal/destination.
I then shared a story with her about a lady who married a man totally convinced he would cheat on her. Eight years later she discovered her husband was having an affair. Her fear had come true and she felt comforted that she had always been right. I asked this lady “…what impact did this fear of him having an affair have on her behaviour to him?” She said “Of course I protected myself from him” “How did you protect yourself?” I asked. “I held back my love?” she replied.
The husband who loved her became convinced over the years she didn’t love him and so he started an affair as a means to cope with his own pain.
This lady and many of my clients are unaware that automatic feelings have wonderful underlying intents, but in reality don’t work as they have the ability to grow belief systems that end up hurting the person in the long run.
Learning how to take control of your minds thoughts so they help you create the life you desire must be the objective of everyone.
In relationships this is especially important to learn because how can you look after each other if you’re both struggling to look after yourselves.
My message today is your mind will grow what you feed it, good or bad so please make sure your mind is getting the message that will lead you to the life you want.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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