Listening to so many couple’s stories a person becoming defensive is a typical pattern I see every day.
If someone is defending themselves then in their mind someone must be attacking them?
This makes sense but it’s why so many couples fall over.
They are seeing attack when attacking or criticising isn’t what’s really happening.
The wrong translation is being created.
They are incorrectly attaching the wrong assumption to their communication.
They then feel bad and attach that feeling to their partner.
When they attach their bad feeling to their partner a destructive pattern will now form especially if practiced over time.
The new defensive pattern will mean “I can’t love you and protect myself from you”.
As I have to keep protecting myself from you my love for you is dying.
This pattern is very destructive and ends so many marriages.
So if you find yourself having to defend yourself a lot ask your partner this.
“Are you purposely trying to hurt me”?
If their answer is “NO”, which I expect it to be for most couples.
Their answer is likely to be TRUE and so a significant misunderstanding is likely to be taking place right under your nose.
I have to help many people to stop defending themselves as it’s such a destructive practice.
It’s critical that both people learn how to hear each other accurately so they can understand what is really going on and deal with it so love and connection can grow.