We all have patterns of behaviour, these are our habitual patterns of behaviour that come up automatically to cope with our lives.
These patterns are learnt and are our core mechanism to keep us safe. However if they are out of date they could be destroying your life without you knowing.
If you are having problems could destructive patterns be the root cause?
- Are you aware of yours?
- Are you aware of your partners?
- Do you notice patterns in your relationship?
- Do you notice patterns in your current relationship that are similar to other relationships you have had?
- Can you or your partner see patterns in each other that reflect your parents relationship behaviours.
Do you feel there are destructive patterns in your relationship or within you?
You see the patterns you have learnt growing up may not be supporting your growth in your life or work,or relationships. The reality of this will be reflected in your life today. If you feel stuck in your life, maybe in a job or in an unhappy relationship you might be running patterns to keep you here or fuel the problem.
For example:
The first pattern to look for is your core driver: It might be to create security, it might be to feel important, it might be to feel love.
Your core driver will create behaviours that reflects your core need. For example as a child a boy might use significance to get what he needs, he might use it to get love from his mother. So he may have become a great student, or be funny to please her, or become naughty because at least it gets her attention.
So as an adult he may run the same pattern, by thinking that if he does an amazing job at work his wife should see him as wonderful just like mum did. However he becomes confused when he doesn’t get the love he expects back.
In fact he feels her pulling away. Just doing a good job at work does not meet her emotional needs and so she becomes distant, or gets upset. In response he becomes angry at her lack of appreciation at how hard he works.
His behaviours to her feel selfish and immature and needy.
If he discovered how significant he could become by understanding what she really needs then they would both be successful through his behaviour and he wold feel happy and successful again and more masculine.
Another example:
A woman could have a desire for certainty, what she learns without knowing is that she can get love through depression. Every time she is feeling well everyone gets on with their lives and she feels lost and alone. When she becomes depressed everyone pays her attention and loves her.
Even though she hates becoming depressed she is certain she can do it and so becomes stuck because it actually meets her core needs, but in destructive ways for her and those she loved.
If she discovers there are ways she can be certain of love through giving she will open up a free and lighter world.
Your patterns?
- What do you do to meet your needs?
- What does your partner do to meet their needs?
- What do you do when you are unhappy?
- What does your partner do when they are unhappy?
- What do you do when you feel fearful?
- What does your partner do when they feel fearful?
Do these behaviours create love, growth and a rich life, or do they cause unhappiness, resentment and a lack of respect?
We all have positive intentions to meet our needs when we act, it just maybe that the behaviours are out of date and are likely to hurt those you say you love.
Including yourself
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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