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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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What does your partner really need to be happy?

If you want a successful relationship for life then meeting your partners’ core needs is going to be one of the critical elements to achieving this lifelong goal.

In essence meeting each other’s needs should be simple, but when you look closer you will discover many hidden challenges.

Most people don’t start looking at their relationship needs until it starts to become a problem. This decision is the big mistake everyone makes.

You see if you wait until the relationship is in trouble at this point the desire to meet needs is rarely high if you can’t trust your partner to meet your needs.

I was discussing this concept with a client this week. He was convinced he had done all he could and it was his wife who needed my help. 

As we broke down how he thought he was meeting her needs he learnt that although he was busy giving to her he was also generating problems for her – he didn’t know this.

Firstly he was giving from a place of love which was great, but what he was giving to her was not what she needed at all, he was giving to her what he thought she needed.

Essentially he was giving to her what he needed from her unaware that her needs were very different.

This would have been frustrating for them both because he was busy giving and to him she was ungrateful. She could see he was busy with her she never felt good about his actions.

One part of why she was not feeling good was because he was giving as a means to get his needs met, this would have also felt inauthentic to her and so she struggled to trust his motives.

This left her with a question. Is he giving to me because he loves me for me? Or is he giving as a means to get what he needs from me, which would have felt like a manipulation of her, making him look needy which isn’t attractive to her?

The result he was super busy and she is struggling to trust him so she protects herself from him. Eventually, he will mirror her and once two people are protecting themselves from each other the relationship is accelerating towards it’s end.

So when you look at this situation which is very common obviously the simple answer is we must find out what our partner needs.

I totally agree…

…BUT…

Every couple I meet actually has very little understanding of what they really need. So when a partner becomes upset and tells their partner what they think they need there starts to be a significant problem.

I’ll explain…

One couple came to me with an intimacy problem. She no longer felt sexually attracted to her husband but also didn’t want him to leave her.

He needed a sexual connection and she felt pressured to have sex and this was causing natural tension.

She had told him what she needed to get the sex back on track. She wanted him to help her move around the home and with the children.

He listened and helped her for weeks and she did agree he was really helpful and so life was easier for her.

So, on one hand, she was grateful for his help, but it didn’t create a sexual connection and so he gave up creating resentment in them both.

Now the problem was much worse.

The point I’m making here is I have yet to meet an individual who really knows what they need and how to communicate it so their partner understands enough to take action.

This is a significant problem.

So many men and women come in asking me this question. “Just tell me what to do, I’ll do it!”

Can you see the problem?

Your partner needs you to meet their needs and they don’t know how to tell you what they are because they actually don’t know, but if you don’t meet their needs they will be upset with you.

Men usually communicate their needs are simple but this is never the case for women to understand.

Some women expect their partners to just know what they need even though they have a little idea themselves what those needs are.

When couples come to see me and we all agree that working together makes sense one of my instructions is to stop trying to fix the problems.

The reason I ask this is because both of them have hidden needs they are trying to meet neither of them are meeting those needs and so every step they take is destroying their connection and trust in each other.

The key to solving any relationship problem is to find out what you don’t know and take actions that make you become valuable to each other again.

It is true that men and women naturally have very different needs and there are some key areas are common to most people.

It’s also important to note that our lives have also created needs that are specific to each person to help them create the best life they can.

What I see every day is people are meeting needs but in a way that is hurting them without them knowing.

It’s true that people are simply doing their best but with limited knowledge.

So truly lovely people can without knowing manifest devastation in their own relationship and life.

Curiosity is the key to learning and growing a successful life.

 

 

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Recent Posts

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

From Battlefield to Breakthrough: How to Save Your Marriage Without a Toxic Fight.

January 31, 2025 By Stephen Hedger

Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

“By changing yourself, you can change a relationship… because I did!”

September 16, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

“There’s no hope in hell – I want a divorce!”

April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally.


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.


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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems.

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Recent Posts

  • Do You Know Your Values & Why They Are So Important?
  • “Should I Stay or Go?” Why You Shouldn’t Make Big Decisions While You’re Still Suffering
  • Stop & Never: The 30 Patterns That Quietly Destroy Relationships
  • “How to Fix Communication Issues in a Marriage”
  • “First Step to Fixing Any Marriage Problem”
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