In today’s post I’m going to share a story of a lady who took her marriage to divorce because she totally misunderstood her husband and this lady is not alone.
I remember as a young man listening to a gentleman who said “the mind is like a fertile field whatever you plant it will grow.”
This message has stuck with me to this day.
I’m now 57 and have witnessed the proof of this message everywhere I go.
You see what comes out of a person emotionally is based on what’s been put in.
Whenever someone looks for proof of something they can make almost anything true and they can then start to live in that story.
In relationships, I see this all the time.
I remember this lady who had decided her husband was a bad man and a terrible husband.
He now rarely spoke, he was always quiet and shared little about his day. When she blew up at him to get some kind of reaction he would simply walk away.
When she tried to speak with him he always shut her down and asked her to get to the point, in her mind he was a terrible man who clearly had no interest in her.
So over the years, she started to see his distant behaviour as a lack of empathy and in her mind, this turned into emotional abuse she felt unloved and abandoned.
So she started to detach and it took the relationship to the edge.
What she didn’t know was how to put the correct meaning to all of his behaviours.
She started to grow meanings that would only be true if he was a woman and she wasn’t aware she was part of making this worse.
You see the type of connection that most women seek, a lot of men don’t need or understand and if she responds negatively it can have the reverse effect on him.
I asked this lady if he is quiet what does it mean?
She said it meant he was unhappy or trouble was coming.
In fact, the happiest place for many men is being quiet and thinking about nothing, for some women a quiet woman is a sign of trouble.
When men don’t engage in conflict in many cases he would choose to shut down as a means to protect her and the relationship, she missed his intent she only saw this behaviour as abandonment.
If she was sharing a story it’s common for men to not understand why she is sharing so he asks her to get to the point so he can fix the problem she has brought to him.
He is unaware she isn’t communicating to make a point and she may not have a problem to fix.
He is designed to want to fix and so he wants to help her, but by shutting her down she will see this as someone who doesn’t care.
The truth is he does care it’s why he asked her to get to the point.
He will minimise her problems which she hated, but she was unaware that’s how he deals with his own problems every day – make them small and get rid of them.
Again he is just trying to help, he also doesn’t understand how she is different either.
The more emotional she becomes the quieter he will become again to protect the relationship.
So what she didn’t see was, he wasn’t speaking because he felt she would get upset and he wouldn’t know how to fix it.
No sane man would lead himself into a problem he couldn’t fix.
So because being quiet was a more natural state it was a natural choice for him.
So what she saw as bad was actually a man who was trying to help her and protect her, but just like her he didn’t understand she was different to him.
I speak to many women who don’t feel loved by their husbands, but they have husbands that do truly love them.
She doesn’t feel it because the connection she craves simply isn’t there, she is unaware he has no clue this is important or how to do it.
She doesn’t know connection in the way she needs it is not natural for him and so instead of helping him understand how to connect and protect her she is more likely to become upset.
So the meaning you put to a situation can grow into a false truth and many people are living their whole life this way.
People have left marriages because they buy what they think totally unaware they don’t understand either.
Many women tell me their husbands have no empathy only to discover they don’t understand him either she is unaware he is also suffering in silence, but he is putting her first she just can’t see it.
Men won’t speak in relationships unless he believes he will be heard correctly when he does.
Many men are learning that a problem shared is a problem doubled so there is no way he will engage if that’s how it will play out.
Many women are baffled why men don’t share their day, it’s because he has already lived it once why would I want to do it again, especially if it was a bad one – why would that make sense?
Men on the whole are not looking for connection the way women need it, it’s not natural for them.
Men tend to suffer when women are not happy but in many cases, she won’t see it because he won’t show her his pain.
As you can see from today’s post it’s so important to feed your mind correctly.
You can quite literally think yourself out of a perfectly good relationship.
So start by knowing you and your partner simply do not understand each other at an emotional level, this will need to be learnt for that level of connection to grow.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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