The short answer to this question is we create our emotions and yes we can control them if you want to. I know many of the skeptics will now want proof, so I will do my best to explain in this post.
Whatever you feel, you are the creator of that feeling. No one (thankfully) has the power to get inside our heads and give us our feelings, although some may want to try. If you think people can make you feel certain things then this is for you.
Whatever is happening around us, or to us, does not create our feelings. We have to use our brain to translate what is happening in our world into something that makes sense to us.
For example: A flame on our hand does not create our intense desire to move our hand away. Our brain is creating the pain response to motivate us to move our hand away fast. It does this because we need our hand to be healthy so it gives us maximum chance for survival by shocking us with pain to the hand.
Does that make sense, the flame is the external effect, our brain then creates the pain message to protect us. So our brain is the creator of our feelings.
Our mind will want us to move away from anything it perceives as harmful to us.
So now lets look at our emotions.
We all know our mind and bodies can get very confused and can give us very powerful reactions to non-threatening situations.
Some people will see a spider and it will send them into a blind panic. That spider for them creates the same response as if a lion had walked into the room I.E. A certain death response.
A child who has experienced poor / inconsistent parenting will struggle to trust a perfectly secure adult partner for a relationship. For that person this makes loving someone a powerfully anxious experience, so the challenges for this person are obvious to everyone, except this person.
Growing up we will all create a map of how the world works and every person will have a totally unique map. This map we build is designed to give us maximum chance of survival.
We are built primarily for survival – If we want happiness then we have to learn how to create that emotion.
This map is made up of many filters we all use to assess the world. It is made up of filters such as our histories, our beliefs, our needs, our values and is driven by the state we are in at any given moment.
So what happens when we create actions that keep leading us to feeling unhappy in our lives. E.G. A person keeps repeating behaviors that will harm them, or disrupt their life.
This is where the persons has built historic patterns to survive in their old life, but because their life today is no longer the same life under the same threat, they no longer need these old patterns, they need new ones that will support their growth.
Because they are not aware of this patterning process they keep running their old patterns and live in reaction to their very real feelings. They never feel quite right constantly feeling they have to cope with life leading them to stress, anxiety, depression etc.
So I hope you are starting to see, we are the ones that do our feelings and this means that if you know you have created the ways you react to the world, it means that if desired you can change them.
How can they be corrected? Firstly being aware of the challenge and having a desire to make a change that gives the person more of what they really want.
This means learning new patterns and collapsing old ones.
So do you have feelings that don’t make sense?
Do you keep creating behaviors that you want to stop?
Do you fear doing what you know you need to do?
If this is you, then step-by-step you can replace those old patterns with new ones that can free you to claim your life.
Give us a call to learn more….
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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