Have you noticed that you have to change your behaviours as life conditions change. For example you are different at work than you are with friends and family, or you are different with children than you are with you partner.
All day and every day you are shifting into different versions of yourself without thinking. We all do this and with little thought to what it really means. The meanings are important for your future…
You have been doing this since childhood and so whatever life condition you were presented with as a child, this sets a template for how you will deal with certain life situations as they present themselves..
For Example: A child that has been “abused” in some way might have a desire to “escape”. Whenever life becomes difficult for them in the future they will run that pattern.
How they run the pattern is to shift into a fearful version of themselves, just like we all do all day every day with other versions of ourselves without thinking. In this fear version of themselves they will run the “escape” pattern and so they could run away, or become introverted or shut down.
To them this is totally normal, but to others and especially in relationships when the relationship presents them with problems, they are likely to run their learnt pattern.
The problem is this learnt pattern was created by a child to cope with their perception of the world and how life should be. As adults without knowing we run these patterns automatically, but due to the immaturity of the creator of the pattern these patterns never work as adults.
It’s like having a child running your life when life conditions get tough. Of course the result of the pattern is nearly always destructive. It can wreck lives, families and be passed as a pattern through generations.
Fear pattern can manifest themselves in many ways, you may become angry and become loud to cope. You may turn to people pleasing that disrespects you, some turn to substances.
Whatever coping mechanism you use, when you or your partner go into fear, you can be sure it was learnt, it and it will feel as natural as breathing.
Is your partner destroying your relationship, they used to be wonderful, but today something has changed? Are you noticing that you have change and behave in ways that confuse you.
Maybe you are having affairs and don’t understand why.
These all create behaviours that can create depression and breakdowns as we start to reject ourselves not knowing that it is only one part of ourselves that has created the problem yet we reject every part even the wonderful parts of us leading us into despair.
Many couples divorce because of these patterns as both people go into fear states when they feel that something is wrong, or they can’t see a future together. This perspective is an illusion based on the parrten and is why those that do split or divorce then live to regret it. It is why so many second marriages end in divorce fast as the pattern is now on read alert from the first failed marriage.
- Most of the time the relationship is not the problem the pattern is the culprit.
I run self discovery sessions for individuals and couples to understand what is really going on and how to cope with it. For more information please click here.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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