Are you giving your power away without knowing?
One of the fundamental problems I see couples experiencing is through a process of giving their personal power away to their partner and others.
Giving their power away to their partner instantly makes them far less effective for themselves and their relationship and this makes their unhappiness worse.
Overly controlling partners
The group of people who need to control others are ironically giving their power away in their quest to stay in control.
People who try to control others are requesting that something in their outside world must change so they are emotionally okay in their internal world.
Healthy relationships don’t look like this. In a healthy relationship, the person takes responsibility for their own feelings and their own happiness.
You see relationships are supposed to magnify what’s important to both people. The relationship is there to magnify emotions such as love, fun, happiness, passion, kindness to name a few.
For those emotions to be present both people need to be free and freeing each other to be themselves when they are with each other.
People who need to take control are usually unaware that if they do overly control their partner they will be totally out of control of what their partner is really thinking about them and will ultimately do.
Overly controlling people help their partner to quietly stack resentment against them and this leads those that are being controlled to emotional disconnect or self-numb the perfect emotion to exit the marriage without fear.
Ironically the people who are most out of control (powerless) are the ones who need to control others.
The pleasers
Another group is the people who need to please others so they are emotionally okay.
They actively give their power away with the hope they will get back what they want.
Unfortunately, their recipient is going to be unaware of what the pleaser wanted in return so they upset the pleaser without knowing.
The pleasers at first sight will look like a selfless and giving person. The problem with the pleaser model is they become exhausted as they rarely get back what they need.
This means the pleaser can cycle through giving and upset as they rarely get back what they are after.
Some will be driven to give even more the less they get back, but this only exhausts the person resulting in regular bouts of fury.
The pleaser is unaware they are trading and are unaware all the emotions they are after is actually within themselves.
They have to be right
Another group of people making themselves powerless without realising are the people who have to be right in their relationship.
The person that wants to be right is also the person who wants to win. The problem with winning is there must be a loser.
The problem with making your partner the loser is the relationship loses and so you both lose.
I remember a husband telling his wife off for the way she spoke to a waitress. He felt he was right, but the result was his action took no understanding behind his wife actions.
He became her judge and killed their trust and connection in seconds.
He made being right and judging her more important than understanding and caring for her.
The fundamental law of emotions and the start of taking the power back
These are 3 of many examples of people giving away their power in a quest to gain power or control over others.
Can you see the irony, the person wanting to feel safe and in control ends up being the person most out of control of their relationship and themselves.
You cannot control a relationship or a partner, it never works out well, love will never thrive under the conditions of control, judgement or blame.
The fundamental law of emotions is they come from inside ourselves because we are the creator of our own feelings.
This means the person wanting certain emotions has to learn how they can create the emotions they want through adding value to themselves and their relationship.
Taking back the power
True power comes from tapping into your own resources so you can bring an authentic version of you to the table.
The moment individuals take back their power by choosing the emotions they need and the outcomes they desire is now a person who can add value to a relationship.
Becoming a powerful partner
The next step is to understand how to add value to your partner whilst never losing control of yourself and what you value again.
By taking this path not only will this person have emotionally reclaimed themselves, they will also discover what their relationship is truly capable of achieving minus all the distortions.
Many people have distortions from fear they won’t be loved or they are not enough, some have a fear that’s given to them from their parents who were also unaware of their own emotional distortions.
Some people had made decisions to never be hurt by others so they control how they show up, we now know how that turns out.
Other people are simply unaware of how their partner is different to them so both people end up triggering the other into destructive energies such as judgement and self-protection and that leads many perfectly good relationships towards divorce.
I remember asking a gentleman to not pressure his wife into seeing me. He was convinced them both seeing me together was the right approach, I disagreed.
He was clearly misunderstanding her and was bringing the wrong version of himself to the table this would keep triggering her negatively.
By reconnecting to himself and by understanding how to add value to her he could have taken control of his relationship.
His belief that she had to attend cost him his marriage, he gave his power away to her and lost her in the process.
You really must not wait for your partner to be ready to seek help as each day that goes by is more proof of painful disconnect.
Becoming a powerful partner does not start with my partner has to change so I’m okay emotionally.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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