Is Your Partner Trying to Control You?

Do you feel that you are in a constant power struggle with your partner? Is this wearing you out? Do you worry about what the future will look like if this continues?

Control takes many forms, not all control is bad. For example if a man is in control of his ability to passionately love his partner in the way she wants, then this is a form of control that benefits them both.

Control in the negative  is usually based around a fear of some kind.

Control is a persons’ method of trying to rebalance their world so they feel ok, if this is based on fears such as losing love, or not feeling they are enough in some way, then emotions can run high and they will control to feel normal or get rid of their pain.

In essense the control is designed to help the person move away from what they fear most.

In extreme cases all the person can see or feel is their fear, it consumes them and they spend most of their time inside their heads running their problems over and over trying to find ways out of this pain.

So the person in pain feels out of control and they need a solution, they have no idea how to control themselves and how they are feeling, so this leads them to focus on controlling their outside world.

  • This can include: Their partner – time – things – others!

Most people who are controlling actually have really good underlying intentions, but the results of their controlling can be catastrophic. No one likes being controlled and so if the person is trying to control the relationship to save it this is a great intention, but with the focus on the fear this only causes more problems.

The solution for controlling behaviour is this…

Help the person understand their behaviour is meeting their needs, but in a low level way that will hurt them and their underlying goals.

There is an immense level of power for all humans in the way they focus their minds one will create growth the other will destroy.

In sessions I help people use the power of focus to help them create the action that will create what they want most.

Simple examples:

  • Will pulling love away make your partner love you more? NO!
  • Will nagging your partner help them to want to meet your needs? No!
  • Will ignoring your partner make their problems go away? No!
  • Will putting them down or helping them feel bad make you more attractive to them? No!
  • Will controlling the money help them to feel they are part of a team with you? No!

If you are going to control, the only control that works is creating the behaviours that help your partner meet their needs which means that you start to become an amazing partner and someone they would always want in their lives.

No one wants to leave a partner that is amazing for them.

In other words if your partner can feel amazing about themselves and they attach those amazing feelings to you, then you have the ability and confidence to be that amazing partner for them.

Confidence in being that partner is the key to success.

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.


  1. I really don’t agree with you, Stephen. If you were talking about the relationship between parent and child, that would be different. I could agree whole heartedly with you. However, in your post you refer to partners. In my estimation, the only time control should ever be part of the relationship is when one of the partners cannot be responsible for him/herself for health or legal reasons.

  2. Stephen Hedger says:

    Dear Glynis thank you for commenting.

    Most people enter into relationships looking for what they can get. Relationships only work when the person is focused on what they can give.

    Giving is the key to a lasting passionate relationship.

    If the person is not in “control” of their power to give to their partner then the relationship falls over.

    Fear is usually responsible for the person being out of control of what they give. Some hold back things like love to punish. This is control in the negative.

    Does that make more sense now Glynis?