What is love?

It’s interesting that so many people use the word love yet when challenged have no real explanation for what it really means. Yet we long to hear those words, especially from those we care about.

So when a couple in crisis communicates words like “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” the recipient is usually left confused. What does he or she mean?

I remember asking a group of ladies if their version of love was different to their partners how would that feel. The body language was very telling as all the women looked uncomfortable as they shifted instantly in their seats.

Love is one of those powerful words we all seem to accept yet struggle to really understand.

What you’ll notice is that love is a direct link to powerful emotions that sit inside us.  So the feelings of love are created by us and we attach those feelings to what is helping us to feel good about ourselves usually our partners. Those specific feelings are unique to us.

What we feel and how we get to love is different in all of us. Some people can only connect to love if they feel significant or secure. These people will struggle because they will not feel secure or significant all the time. So their connection to love is intermittent for them, this is scary and so they test the relationship, become very demanding or overly control in some way.

These people can be so demanding that they destroy the love they fear losing.

So the more someone can help us to feel great about ourselves in the way we want them to, in the context of them, the higher the chances of us having feelings of love for them.

This is why so many couples struggle to maintain their love for each other, as time goes on they stop helping their partner to feel amazing about themselves.

The love the couple felt inside then starts to fade, but they are confused, because they remember feeling powerful love in the context of their partner. So even though they don’t feel good they stay and find other ways to feel good again.

This is why they say “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” They are telling the truth, they used to feel love, but today they don’t.

The question is, ‘can this be changed?’ The simple answer is yes, but it’s easier if both people want to bring the love back.

As you can see getting to love is complex and is further confused by nature who has designed us to have instant feelings of love (so we are driven to procreate) that are so powerful that we feel love for people who we are massively attracted hence the huge sexual drive in the early days months of our relationships.

But of course nature never intended us to then live together, but society has conditioned us that we should.
Without this knowledge life long commitments can be made with people who we were never designed to spend our lives with.

All of this is the reason why getting to know us and how we work is critical before we embark on life long relationships. Because if we learn to love ourselves and give ourselves all we need then a life partner becomes a value-add to our lives.

We then know at this stage how to create relationship boundaries that are designed for success and love can then flow without fear, this is called unconditional love…

…and unconditional love is what we all desire.

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.