Who have you become in your relationship?

Helping a person connect with their true-self is a significant part of helping that person discover the truth in their relationship – should they stay or go? 

If your relationship is in trouble the message below is for you.

Couples living in marital crisis will both be living in versions of themselves that is not reflective of who they are. Fear is going to be very alive in one or both people.

Fear can be a very destructive force in relationships because the fear can grow to the point where resentments can take hold and create needs such as possessiveness, jealousy and control, these powerful feelings can help a person feel a need to withdraw or have a need to be right.

Fear grows arguments, judgments, blame, revenge for past pains which can lead to emotional demands and manipulation. People can come across as insensitive and being self absorbed, some suffer from rage and this for some can lead to physical violence.

In my experience the person who has lived with fear is unaware their fear became their goal. It becomes their goal because fear changes their normal behaviours and this results in them bringing a distorted version of themselves to their relationship.

You see fears are powerful and have the ability to create thoughts, beliefs and behaviours in a person that are not reflective of who they really are and this change can cause significant relationship problems.

One couple who wanted help where unaware of what they were really dealing with. She was consumed with fear, shaking, tearful living in her own head firmly connected to her past and seeing that as her future. This was disabling her to see her relationship as it really was today. Who this lady had become was sabotaging her desire to get to the truth she desperately wanted.

Initially I had to help the husband understand his role in the relationship and how he could help me to help his wife to feel safe and secure so she could evaluate the relationship from this place.

Being in the marriage or not had to be her choice, but she had become someone who was unable to make that decision safely.

By helping her build confidence within her she understood how to safely connect to meeting her critical needs through what she valued most. She discovered by connecting to her true-self she was safer stronger and much happier.

This enabled her from this new sense of self to evaluate her real experience in her relationship.

You see when fear takes over a couple they can end up in destructive circular patterns and it’s only a matter of time before the fears really take hold and who the couple become is not reflective of who they really are.

The biggest challenge that couples in this place experience is they are unaware they have lost a sense of who they are in their relationship only.

They feel perfectly normal with friends, family and at work.

This gives them the illusion that the relationship is wrong so they must leave it. The realty is the person has created a fearful and painful energy within them (a different self) with their partner which is not present at work and with friends or family.

So what is the truth, is their relationship really wrong or is their real pain coming from who they have become when they are with their partner?

This discovery is critical to understand especially where a whole family is at stake.

This is why so many couples regret divorce and repeat destructive patterns in new relationships.

They are not aware of who they become and where their real pain comes from.

One lady came to me after 3 failed relationships that took 15 years, she was about to give up on love. She learnt with me that her fears had taken over, she kept becoming someone she was not “a very negative her” and this brought out fears in her partners.

She learnt how to connect to her true-self and what it really takes to make a relationship work.

Identity is powerful and when we lose it we can feel very lost at this point it’s far easier to see what’s negative in your partner than in yourself.

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.