Below is a list of mistakes that can lead a marriage to disconnect. The list is in no particular order yet all are critical to understand if love and passion are to stay alive.
It’s a mistake to…
• Make anything more important than your partner.
• It’s a mistake to think your partner understands you when you speak, especially the emotional side of your marriage.
• It’s a mistake to ignore what your marriage needs to grow physically and emotionally.
• It’s a mistake to not learn how to meet your partners critical needs.
• It’s a mistake to not know what drives your partner because how can you positively influence someone you don’t understand.
• It’s a mistake to not understanding each other’s life values and how the negative values (their fears – your fears) could affect your dynamic.
• It’s a mistake to leave an upset to fester. Upsets must be concluded with love and security or they become corrosive.
• It’s a mistake to lose connection with yourself in your marriage.
• It’s a mistake to assume your partner is trying to hurt you, even if it sounds like they are.
• It’s a mistake to lie, even if you think you are being protective. Lies that are discovered only bring into question “…what else don’t I know?” and this kills trust.
• It’s a mistake to please others at a cost to yourself.
• It’s a mistake to not plan a journey you can both be excited by, have a purpose.
• It’s a mistake to assume relationships should just work, long-term relationships only work well when the couple becomes skilled connectors, powerful protectors, and warm lovers.
• It’s a mistake to assume attraction will last without knowing what creates attraction.
• It’s a mistake to not learn what keeps passionate energy alive for life.
• It’s a mistake to withhold your gifts.
• It’s a mistake to hold on to the past wrongs and reject forgiveness.
• It’s a mistake to forget who you were when you were happy.
• It’s a mistake to not notice that all you can see is the bad in your relationship as this is a distortion of the truth.
• It’s a mistake to let fear drive your life.
• It’s a mistake to need validation from others because you’re giving your power away.
• It’s a mistake to not search for why your partner is different or confusing to you they are supposed to be different.
• It’s a mistake to forget your children are watching you and learning everything from you both.
• It’s a mistake to not see your differences as strengths.
• It’s a mistake to not live as the example.
• It’s a mistake to not keep in your mind focused on the core of who your partner is. Who is the person you fell in love and what’s changed and why?
• It’s a terrible mistake to think affairs or divorces are answers to marital problems.
• It’s a mistake to not have the answer to all your “why” questions.
• It’s a mistake to lose your playful side.
• It’s a mistake to hold back in relationships, even if others tell you to, they are passing their fears on to you.
• It’s a mistake to think that love is a certainty, those that try to make love a certainty are not aware this is the energy that kills it.
• It’s a mistake to control a partner, free them so they attach that freedom to you.
• It’s a mistake to chose a destructive behaviour when so many good one are available.
• It’s a mistake to ignore someone’s feelings or become the judge of those feelings.
• It’s a mistake to become your partner judge.
• It’s a mistake to criticise your partner.
• It’s a mistake to diminish your partners feelings.
I decided to stop after 37 mistakes I could have carried on, I may update this post at a later date.
The list above has been collected over the years of working with couples in crisis. These are all mistakes that if practiced will have a negative affect on a couple’s dynamic.
Rule of thumb is if one partner has to protect themselves from the other the relationship is dying in that moment.
If the couple practice these mistakes over years then a more permanent disconnect is likely.