An interesting discovery about “relationship fears” is they can become self-fulfilling.
Imagine a person who is worried that they are not enough for their partner and are fearful they won’t be loved.
This person can become concerned their relationship will fail due to this fear/belief.
What some people will do to avoid the pain of not being enough is withdraw to protect themselves from the fear/belief of their partner leaving them.
The process of withdrawing means the relationship is no longer being fed what it needs to survive by that person and as a result, the relationship will naturally start to die.
The problem with relationship fears is they are powerful and most people are doing anything they can to avoid them.
Avoiding the fears gives the person the illusion they are moving towards pleasure, relief or something better for them – they might feel more in control, but…
…they are not in control at all because the behaviors a fear creates does not add any value to the relationship, it only destroys or erodes it!
How fears become powerful
What they don’t see is there has to be a focus on their fears (consciously or subconsciously) to move away from the fear. So the fear is not only kept alive it is also the persons’ consistent focus.
If anyone gives something a focus they’ll give it power and a practiced focus creates an automatic behavioral pattern – which is an action that happens without conscious thought.
I knew he would have an affair
Look at this lady’s fear, the decision she made was based on her irrational fear and belief of all men.
She told me at the start of their marriage she knew her husband would have an affair, the husband never knew of this fear.
Her father had many affairs and she saw the affect on her mother so she braced herself for the same fate.
Through fear of this belief, she withdrew emotionally in her marriage and 11 years later he did have an affair.
Ironically she seemed so delighted she was right until she heard her husbands perspective.
I asked him why he had an affair, he told me he had lived 11 years without love from a woman he adored, but in the end, the love that never came back had been so painful the moment he was shown love he felt powerless to reject it.
In many cases what people think equals self-protection is driven by their fears and it creates the very fear they set out to avoid.
Below are some solutions people might use to avoid their relationship fears, unfortunately, none of them work.
- Some people use depression or use problems to protect themselves.
- Some focus on work or kids.
- Some people use anger.
- Some are overly controlling
- Some people buy things, but it does not create emotional growth.
- Some people become highly critical of their partner.
- Some withhold intimacy.
- Some emotionally detach.
- Some emotionally/sexually connect with others.
- Some devalue themselves to please.
Whenever a person creates a relationship fear they must become aware of it and create a more constructive way of irradiating their fears and getting what they want.
Note: Any solution must connect them to who they are or the solution will never last.