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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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A Thought for Sunday 😨

An interesting discovery about “relationship fears” is they can become self-fulfilling.

Imagine a person who is worried that they are not enough for their partner and are fearful they won’t be loved.

This person can become concerned their relationship will fail due to this fear/belief.

What some people will do to avoid the pain of not being enough is withdraw to protect themselves from the fear/belief of their partner leaving them.

The process of withdrawing means the relationship is no longer being fed what it needs to survive by that person and as a result, the relationship will naturally start to die.

The problem with relationship fears is they are powerful and most people are doing anything they can to avoid them.

Avoiding the fears gives the person the illusion they are moving towards pleasure, relief or something better for them – they might feel more in control, but…

…they are not in control at all because the behaviors a fear creates does not add any value to the relationship, it only destroys or erodes it!

How fears become powerful

What they don’t see is there has to be a focus on their fears (consciously or subconsciously) to move away from the fear. So the fear is not only kept alive it is also the persons’ consistent focus.

If anyone gives something a focus they’ll give it power and a practiced focus creates an automatic behavioral pattern – which is an action that happens without conscious thought.

I knew he would have an affair

Look at this lady’s fear, the decision she made was based on her irrational fear and belief of all men.

She told me at the start of their marriage she knew her husband would have an affair, the husband never knew of this fear.

Her father had many affairs and she saw the affect on her mother so she braced herself for the same fate.

Through fear of this belief, she withdrew emotionally in her marriage and 11 years later he did have an affair.

Ironically she seemed so delighted she was right until she heard her husbands perspective.

I asked him why he had an affair, he told me he had lived 11 years without love from a woman he adored, but in the end, the love that never came back had been so painful the moment he was shown love he felt powerless to reject it.

In many cases what people think equals self-protection is driven by their fears and it creates the very fear they set out to avoid.

Below are some solutions people might use to avoid their relationship fears, unfortunately, none of them work.

  • Some people use depression or use problems to protect themselves.
  • Some focus on work or kids.
  • Some people use anger.
  • Some are overly controlling
  • Some people buy things, but it does not create emotional growth.
  • Some people become highly critical of their partner.
  • Some withhold intimacy.
  • Some emotionally detach.
  • Some emotionally/sexually connect with others.
  • Some devalue themselves to please.

Whenever a person creates a relationship fear they must become aware of it and create a more constructive way of irradiating their fears and getting what they want.

Note: Any solution must connect them to who they are or the solution will never last.

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Stephen Hedger
Stephen Hedger
About the author:

Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach

With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.

Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
Stephen Hedger
Latest posts by Stephen Hedger (see all)
  • Why You Love Each Other But Don’t Want Each Other - June 19, 2025
  • “Your Marriage is On FIRE” - June 17, 2025
  • What If Everything You’re Trying to Fix… Isn’t the Problem? - June 13, 2025

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
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Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

From Battlefield to Breakthrough: How to Save Your Marriage Without a Toxic Fight.

January 31, 2025 By Stephen Hedger

Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

“By changing yourself, you can change a relationship… because I did!”

September 16, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

“There’s no hope in hell – I want a divorce!”

April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

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