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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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My partner wants to leave me!

Many people who are convinced they must leave their partner find themselves regretting that decision, so I wanted to share a new perspective to help.

When one person wants to leave a marriage, what are they really trying to achieve? For many people, they want to leave because they are genuinely suffering.

Their conclusion is they must leave to stop their suffering or leave to go to a better place. This is a natural and logical observation, but are they right?

The question they are not understanding is what has happened to help them to feel bad, is it really the other person and their marriage or is it something else?

The reality for many couples that come to see me is for them surprising.

One gentleman had interpreted his wife so badly he had made himself feel so bad when he was with her he had to leave her.

I asked him if he used to love his wife, he said: “yes she was the woman of his dreams but then over the years he felt she changed into something that he didn’t like.”

So your reaction to her in a bad emotional place helped you protect yourself from her and fall out of love?

“Yes I suppose,” he said

We expanded this so he could see what had really happened.

I asked him when she changed, what did that mean to you? He told me a fun-loving girl that used to laugh all his jokes became someone he could never make her happy, and this made life with her impossible.

“So you felt you were failing with her?”

“Yes,” he said

By discovering that she was no longer someone, he could influence positively, he realised he could never make her happy. This meant for him he could be in danger of not being loved or being enough for her.

“So because you loved her so much, her not loving you would be far too painful for you?”

He replied, “Yes, of course”.

So you’re not leaving her because you didn’t love her, you are leaving her because you did love her and you became afraid she wasn’t going to love you back and be happy with you?

He stopped and just stared at me. I said nothing.

His survival system then jumped in.

“But she said awful things all the time, and she was always angry/controlling with me.”

I helped him see that what sat behind her anger/controlling was fear, fear that it was you that didn’t love her.

She had hoped you would see her pain and look after her, and the more you protected yourself from her, the more afraid/angry/controlling she became.

She felt you were making her pain about you, and this upset her, you were not safe to be with but she loved you so she became lost.

I helped him understand that the reality was she was angry because she loved him not because she didn’t. If she didn’t love him, she would not say a word and would have simply left.

So the result was both of you had misunderstood each other and protected yourselves from each other.

Whenever this happens, one person will run out of emotional energy and want to leave.

You see the challenge from this couple wasn’t their love it was their total lack of understanding of their differences and how they approached problems so differently.

They were never on the same page, and this disconnect was planted in their marriage, and they grew it until it was out of control causing suffering.

Not one person said “what are we both not seeing” all they did was react badly to each other creating a proof of disconnect.

The result, they both focused on themselves and slowly killed a perfectly good relationship.

Fortunately, they were both bright enough to seek help that would educate them both to understand this better.

This is just one example of a couple misunderstanding their crisis.

What I ask my clients to consider is they cannot be safe in reacting to their feelings with life-changing decisions until they have understood the feelings and how they are creating them and why.

Remember reactive people (to their feelings) are out of control people so they must be guided to safety through understanding only then can they make a decision.

The alternative for many is they sit in being right about what they feel and they repeat their disfunction over and over in new relationships never experiencing true love and connection but blaming others for this situation.

 

 

 

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

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Head Office
10 Harley Street
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W1G 9PF

Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • When a marriage breaks down – What do I do?
  • Marriage is a dance – A dance most couples kill
  • “We can’t find a way forward!”
  • Breaking unhealthy relationship patterns
  • Anyone that marries will have trouble!

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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