So this couple had a marriage problem they couldn’t solve, and it was wearing them both out.
Below is the conversation they had with me and at the end your chance to discover what they learnt to put them back on track.
Frustration, anger, sadness and bickering “why is this happening to us we were so in love what happened?”
They had tried everything, been to all kinds of help, but nothing was getting to the core of their problem, and both were miserable.
To their credit, they didn’t want to give up.
They had kids, and they were a significant driver to wanting to stay together, but they knew the kids were also feeling the strain so the question “are we doing the right thing” came up.
So they knocked on my door, looking for a different approach, “you are our last chance!” I hear that a lot.
So I brought them into an assessment session so I could learn what they were doing so I could uncover exactly what I was seeing.
This way, I could communicate exactly what they needed to do to solve the problem they faced.
In their session, they started by sharing a concern “we are in the process of wondering if this is all hopeless, it’s been affecting us for years.”
“What do you think?”
“Should we give up, or is there a chance for us?”
I spent the session with them, learning about their dynamic, looking for what wasn’t working and why. I also wanted to hear what they had learned from other professionals.
As I reached a conclusion, I asked them this question.
“When you enter a problem, what is the emotional position you know you will both need to get to that will allow reconnection and attraction to grow from it?”
They looked at me blankly, which is the response I expected. You see if they had never been taught this, they would always continue to suffer.
“This is your problem you are not understanding the emotional position you need to get to.
By not understanding the critical moving parts of what you are in, your connection is naturally becoming strained”.
They agreed.
“This disconnect isn’t happening because it’s the truth of your relationship. It’s happening because you are making it happen, and you are not seeing how.”
“This means you are more likely to stay disconnected as you are not working towards any kind of emotional goals as a team”.
“As a result, you are in a state of reacting badly to each other as the deficit gap widens.
As a result, you are out of control of yourselves and the relationship, so nothing is ever going to change apart from gaining more disconnect and more upset”.
“To make matters worse, you are blindly repeating this mistake over and over.”
“It’s like a man hitting his thumb with a hammer over and over and then wondering why on earth does his thumb hurt.”
“The problem you face is you can’t see how you are causing the problems, so you keep doing it in your quest to get through.”
At this point, I started to introduce to them the framework I use to help couples out of crisis.
This framework teaches each person how their emotional systems are working to either build energy for connection and attraction or, if miss managed, kill it dead.
Giving couples sight of this model helps couples to see where they are going wrong, so they are armed to make better choices.
This is important because people are not naturally conditioned to know what to do, and it’s not either person’s fault despite all the demands and blaming.
So without knowing, couples across the globe are miss managing their connection and then stacking resentments against each other as each person feels bad and then blames the other.
Their poor connection, in reality, is no one’s fault they just don’t know what they are doing – and why would they, this knowledge isn’t gained naturally ever, and there is no relationship education growing up.
I explained to them that in their relationship, they would always encounter problems and this is part of being together and is normal for everyone.
“You cannot rid yourselves of life’s problems.
What you need is a framework of how to deal with them, so you create a deeper connection that then drives more attraction”.
“This is process is critical for any couple to learn!”
The framework is designed so connection naturally builds attraction. This is so important as so many processes are building connections, but they then end up more as friends than lovers.
In essence, most people are connecting in a way that kills attraction, again, because they don’t know what they are doing.
I went on, “In fact, the way you are managing your problems is actually blocking the flow of energy that naturally allows the connection and attraction to feel alive.
So the energy keeps dying, and you can both feel it, but you don’t know why or what to do about it”.
They nodded.
“This framework will help you to understand what you are doing wrong and why, so you can correct it and get back on track – the object is to learn it, so you no longer need me”.
I smiled as they eagerly nodded.
“Learning this means your problems will never worry you again because you will both know what’s going on and what to do about it”.
It means either of you can step up and protect the marriage.
“Understanding this new framework puts you back in the driving seat of your future.
“You see, sexual energy doesn’t die with age, it dies because people are poor managers of their connection, so they naturally kill it and to make themselves feel better, they then blame age and think this happens to everyone doesn’t it!?”
“So currently, the way you are connecting is a hit-and-miss affair”.
“This framework will help you learn a better way to bring the best out of yourselves and each other”.
“It will create stability by allowing each person to be all of who they are whilst in a win-win model of connection.”
“Imagine knowing how to get the best out of your partner in a way they will like, and will help them feel amazing about themselves and attach that feeling to you?”
“Imagine feeling in control of the outcomes, knowing the connection is better because of you”.
“Who wants a partner that now responds positively to your efforts?”
“What you both presented to me today will make you both people miserable, so no wonder you are questioning your connection.”
“So to be clear, you don’t have a “compatibility problem” you are suffering from being two poor relationship managers.
“Using the distorted connection model you have been practising, it would be normal to…”
- Emotionally disconnect.
- Your intimacy will be affected
- You won’t feel emotionally safe.
- Plus you will feel better away from each other BUT…
“It’s not the truth of your connection it’s the truth of your management style.”
“So I’m going to show you both the framework that will allow you to know instantly what you have to do no matter what is happening.”
Men like this process because it helps him to know what to do to fix their problems.
The mystery for men is solved.
Women like it because it allows her the freedom to be all of who she is and helps her know what to do to get the best out of him this means a better connection all round.
It starts to give her more reasons to want to connect and be intimate with him.
I use this framework with my own relationship with Cloé, so we are never worried about any problems.
We know exactly what to do when problems come up, and each problem is now naturally creating a deeper and stronger foundation for us both.”
That foundation allows for more energies like fun and playfulness it allows a safe place to be ourselves with each other.
I went on “Every couple out there is doing what you have been doing, so it means there is nothing odd or wrong with you, what you’re doing simply doesn’t work for anyone which is why so many suffer.”
“By learning how to become effective partners, you will also show your children the path to success.”
A side benefit of becoming effective family leaders.
This framework, I’ll give it a name soon, is designed to make being together easy, fun, and more playful now that each person is understanding their role and responsibility of how to protect their marriage and help it grow.
So like this couple, if you too are fed up with going round in circles?
And fed up with help that takes you nowhere?
Imagine learning a cast-iron method of how to get the best from yourself, your partner and your relationship.
After spending much of my last seventeen years with couples in crisis I have learnt exactly what works and what doesn’t and why.
Imagine a way to reconnect and keep the passion alive whilst teaching your children how relationships really work, by being the correct example you want them to follow. This will only happen when the fears and confusion are replaced with newfound confidence and inner peace.
You simply need to know what to do.
Please remember you are not born knowing how to do this, so please don’t beat yourself up if you are struggling.
If you are like this couple and are eager to learn this framework and you want to be on the list please click here now.
I’ve never spoken about this framework before.
I have been developing this framework for the past five years and using it with great success for at least two.
I look forward to speaking with you on the other side.