In today’s post, I will show you the process of creating lasting change for individuals and couples in crisis.
What works, why it works and why the good-intentioned people keep failing.
Many try to rebuild their marriage or reignite their marriage and consistently fail, but why?
The reason they fail is because they are trying to salvage what they once had or trying to mend what they broke.
The problem is this: Many don’t see the problem they once had as the prelude to where they are today.
The way to save a marriage isn’t to cobble the old one together. The mission is to recreate a brand-new relationship, this time with solid foundations.
So, your marriage will need a reset!
You simply cannot put a sticky plaster on a broken leg and expect a good end result – your relationship is no different.
With the wrong foundations, you can patch things up, but the foundations will always lead to more problems down the line because the root problems will still be there.
A common question is, “will any changes we make last?” This is the big fear for many people looking for marital help.
It’s an understandable question because they don’t have the patience to waste more time.
Unless the changes last, what’s the point of making those changes?
Can they do the job?
The big question for any person wanting to be a part of a marriage is, can they do the job?
So, the three critical foundations that allow them to do the job successfully are:-
1. The Persons Belief System
2. The Persons Character
3. Their Skill Level.
Each one of these foundations is intrinsically linked to the other.
A limiting belief system combined with a poor level of skill will lead them to present the wrong identity.
If you sit in my shoes, you will see one of the leading causes of divorce is a person who has created an identity of who their partner is in their own mind.
This leads them to see a negative identity they must protect themselves from, so they leave either physically or emotionally.
The need for self-protection in a marriage is always going to kill love, connection, passion and the future.
In so many cases, people are leaving the identity of who their partner is in their mind.
I see this as a distortion of reality and not a truth of their potential – it’s why the thinking in the marriage dynamic must be challenged when distortion is present.
This is why it’s critical that each person learns how they show up must represent who they are.
The three-step process breakdown
Step One: The belief system:
A person’s belief system must allow them to give 100% of themselves to the marriage. Anyone who holds back will instantly be part of the problem.
People will have good reasons for holding back, but whatever the reason, it will disable the ability for the marriage to grow.
So, this person will have to be freed from the limiting beliefs that block them.
When a relationship can’t grow, the only direction is for it to die, so a person is either in or out; they are part of the solution or part of the problem.
In many cases, people have belief systems that hold them back and have nothing to do with the marriage.
Past hurt, childhood trauma, and trust issues, to name a few…
Some have belief systems that limit them, such as feeling the trust is broken for good. Some have beliefs that label either themselves or their partner negatively.
One client was bored with the spouse, unaware they were actually bored with their own life mission.
The belief system must allow each person to commit 100%.
The cost of getting this wrong – If one person puts in 80% the other will put in 79% and they will ping-pong down a slippery slope until no one is invested.
Of course, with every client I see, this belief system has to be rebuilt so they can gain a far safer connection with themselves.
This is where the next two steps become critical.
Step Two: The Persons’ Character
The question is this, “who do I have to become to be worthy of the relationship I desire?“
Once you have designed the relationship you desire and it’s a healthy quest, then you must be the character that is worthy of it.
I asked one CEO if he knew the difference between being a CEO and a husband – he had no idea.
Most people in marital crisis do not have a connection to the identity that will lead them to marital success.
Most will be using their unique success identities to run their side of the marriage, which means they will always fail.
People who run fear patterns will present the identity of that fear.
I’ve seen people who can live in an unlucky identity. Some play out a victim pattern, others may feel they are not enough, and some feel they are not worthy of love.
Whatever a person thinks about themselves will become part of their ill-designed identity in many cases it becomes self-fulfilling.
Another problem is this: Some think because they are successful in one part of their life, it automatically means they are knowledgeable and skilled in another.
Some who are intuitive think they know their partner, unaware they don’t yet have the skills to see the difference in emotional drivers and perspectives.
As you can imagine, a limited belief system, a distorted character and a poor skill set tend to create relationship problems in every case.
So, let’s look at the importance of those skills.
Step 3: The skills
In every area of life, we accept we need skills to succeed, so why do so many instantly feel with no training, they are qualified to be good at relationship building?
Life-long successful relationship building is, without question, a skills-based activity.
You must know how to keep passion and security alive at the same time.
In most cases, the quest for security kills passion if you don’t know what you are doing many have lost their sex lives because of this problem.
You must also know how to create win-win situations; most try to win in a way that makes their partner lose – if one person loses, the team loses.
You must understand how to get the best out of yourself and your partner – most trigger the partner to be worse and become worse when their partner doesn’t perform their way.
You must know how to evolve difficult situations into good ones every time.
You must have the skills that allow you to become a valuable character in your relationship.
You must know what will kill, and what will grow your connection.
You must have a clear vision of the path you are both on and know it’s leading you both to where you want to go – too many end up in a life they wouldn’t choose.
These are a few of the many skills you must possess to be successful.
The key is to design a life that brings out the best in yourself and your partner.
The beliefs are the gateway to how your life will turn out.
The character is the person you are committed to becoming.
The skills are the behaviours that allow you and your partner to keep the connection and passion alive so you can grow.
An interesting part of this framework is how the beliefs (step one) are dramatically affected by seeing first-hand how new skills can create better outcomes.
Plus, new skills can help someone rebuild their character in a way that grows more integrity, more connection to themselves, and more personal joy.
All this leads to more predictability.
The biggest mission is to feel safe without needing to focus on being safe – imagine being in a relationship where safety is the result of being more loving and more passionate.
With all this in place now, each person is free to grow individually and as a team.
If this is what you are looking for NOW? Contact us to find out more.