Are there some fundamentals of life that never get taught? Is there some key knowledge that we all really need to know? What if when we were growing up we have been fed the wrong information, or not been guided in a way that serves us. Did your parents really know how to help you understand how you work, or did they guess?
The chances are they were lost too, so they run their lives on feelings and this is how the trouble begins…
What has to happen before you can feel good?
Many people who find they are unhappy with their life will try to change their external world to help them to feel better. The world has taught them this is how to be successful. The problem is this type of control is short lived and doesn’t work…
For example: Some buy stuff to feel good in the moment. Some people change their appearance with a new hair style, or a new dress even to the extreme of plastic surgery. All of these actions do have an instant feel good factor, but it doesn’t last.
We are conditioned to live in reaction
We all like to feel that we are the controllers of us, but this is so far from the truth, we are governed by our pasts and what information that past has fed us. Question yourself now, I know your parents wanted the best for you, but through their teachings they also passed on to you their limiting beliefs which helped to build the fears you have today.
How would it feel if you no longer had to live in reaction to your world. What if you no longer needed to rearrange your world and those in it for you to be OK?
A example of rearranging your world
A lady with a relationship challenge: She doesn’t get the love she needs from her husband and so she consistently goes to get love from her children. This without her knowing, puts pressure on the children and puts her in conflict with herself and with her relationship. She causes further problems as she withholds love to punish her selfish unloving partner.
Firstly her punishment is conditioning from her past. Society teaches us that if someone does us a wrong we punish them. unfortunately punishment does not create love or growth and so the relationship is being weakened each time it happens.
Her punishment comes from her fears that life is not going to be the way it should be.
As a child she would have created coping strategies when life felt wrong and so she will punish, but she could do it in many ways possibility following her parents limiting patterns of behaviour. I.E. Anger, depression, escape, violence, etc…
We are also conditioned to believe that we are qualified to judge each others behaviours of course for the analysis to be correct you would have to be that person which you are not. This incorrect belief gives us more permission to punish.
Also she would have created fears growing up and these fear are driving her to be in conflict with her true self.
She in this place feels disconnected with her true self and he feels she has changed.
She has changed she has a new purpose based on these fears. Instead of love, contribution and growth she has automatically gone to protection and possibly escape. This limits her from being who she truly is.
The change is core within her, when asked if love is important some of the time or all of the time? She answers all the time. So we can clearly see, if love is important all the time, then when she pulls it away to punish her partner she is in conflict with herself.
The being in conflict with ourselves can cause depression.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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