This is important to know…
After years of working with couples some interesting behaviours emerge from the couples as certain understandings start to emerge for them.
When a couple are in crisis what happens is they turn up to sessions full of fear.
Some are fearful because their future has disappeared. Some are fearful because of what they have done. Some fear that there is something wrong with them and it will come out in the session.
What’s really interesting is how these fears start to fade as the sessions progress and they start to change their outlook and what they want.
You see the couple start to feel much happier as soon as they start to understand WHY!
Why are we in this mess?
- Why did he/she have an affair?
- Why did our sex life disappear?
- Why do we argue so much yet we love each other?
- Why do I become so possessive?
- Why am I depressed?
- Why is he so stressed?
Once the individuals understand WHY then they start to relax and feel better. What many people do is try to make their own thoughts fit what’s happened and it’s very easy to be wrong and make the wrong decision, hurting themselves and each other.
Even if they turned up to sessions passionately wanting the relationship to work and clearly discovering that not going to happen. As long as they know WHY they feel they can deal with anything.
What’s great about this new internal state of a calmer self is if the relationship can be saved it is far more likely with this new understanding.
The couple now know what’s happened and their part in the process of destruction. What’s great about this is the couple can clearly see what has to change and this time they are in control.
Understanding why and taking control has a huge impact on the individuals and the dynamics in the couple to move from destruction to growth.
This can happen fast, I have seen many couple shift really fast once they create this new understanding of…
…your relationship has failed because…
This is why I believe that relationship education is a critical component in the process of helping couples rebuild their relationships. Most couple through no fault of their own are in terrible trouble, and they don’t know WHY!
This brings heightened emotions and fears what’s important to know is it doesn’t have to be this way.