“You need to divorce!” This was the message a couple was given by a lady that had been helping them through their marital crisis.
A couple came to me with this story not sure what to do.
It’s an important story to share because ending a marriage is life changing. With so many people making mistakes they end up regretting it’s so important for couples to get to grips with why they are really in trouble.
It’s also important that you get the right help for your specific challenge. I remember another couple sharing with me a story where they got into deeper crisis by trying to fix what they thought was a sexual problem with a sex therapist.
Logical thought as they were not having sex… BUT! – The real problem they had was rooted in a deep emotional disconnection and this was causing their sexual disconnection.
So they briefed someone to help them fix a symptom rather than a cause. This nearly broke that marriage.
So back to the first couple – this is what this couple shared with me…
In 2015 they had started to see a lady to help them with their marriage problems. Their relationship had hit rock bottom and they were living parallel lives, they were also emotionally on different pages and were sleeping in separate bedrooms.
They had attended weekly sessions with her for 9 months.
Eventually, the process collapsed and it ended with only one person attending meetings with her.
In the last session, this lady communicated that she recommended he filed for divorce as in her opinion they could never work.
What was interesting is even though a professional had told them there was no hope he still felt something was wrong with that assessment.
All the evidence did point towards divorce is the only solution available to them, but something inside him was saying…
“…is she right? Is there really no hope for us?”
Something told him to keep looking and in mid-2016 they started to search for a different kind of help.
His thought – Maybe the kind of help we requested was not right for us? He said she was very nice and helpful, but clearly, she was struggling to help us get to a solution – we just went round in circles.
In July 2016 I received a request from this gentleman to have an exploratory chat on the phone.
He could see the service I offered on the website was very different but was unsure how that translated into something that could give them real certainty in their situation.
On this call, he briefly shared their story the help they had been given so far and the end result.
I said I didn’t know if I can help, but if they would like a one-off, no obligation to work with me meeting I’m happy to assess them so I can give them a second opinion.
In that meeting it was very apparent they were in a very toxic disconnected place.
As I spoke to them I noticed that the dynamic of the couple was definitely fear based and destructive, but I had to show them why it was that way and what we would have to do to fix it.
I drew a series of human behaviour models reflecting their situation on the office whiteboard that communicated what I was seeing.
Once they could see the real problems I showed them my plan to get them out of this horrible place.
I did share that I would only agree to help them if they were 100% committed and if they followed my exact instructions.
Instantly they both agreed and signed up for my Marriage Breakthrough Program that day.
I spent time with them as a couple and separately through a process I designed specifically for them.
As we progressed their individual and very obvious fear was replaced with new understandings and skills that started the seeds of a new connection through a shift of understanding.
Initially, this process helped both people feel much better about themselves and this set the foundations for a dynamic that was significantly more attractive to both people.
Naturally, they were excited as they learnt more, but at times were holding back with a hint of healthy scepticism.
This scepticism over the course was replaced by confidence as they started to see natural shifts in their dynamic.
In essence, their new knowledge of themselves, each other and the critical roles they play enabled a natural attraction and this created a calmer happier connection.
This, in turn, created more confidence in each person as they became competent to become a valuable team member – minus the fear patterns.
Their journey turned out to be life-changing for both people as they fully engaged in the process and built a brand new relationship.
They discovered not only how to be more effective partners for each other, but how to bring out the best in themselves and each other.
As the process neared its conclusion the difference was very clear to see, they were now sleeping in the same room again and planning their future.
I saw them last late 2016.
So this week January 2018 they came in to firstly thank me for saving their marriage last year and to share they were now curious to learn more.
They wanted to understand how I can now help them design a future that really helps them feel they have achieved the very best they can for themselves personally and together as a couple.
This request takes the couple into a marriage success and life coaching model which many couples ask me to do with them after their breakthrough.
My message today is many situations are solvable once they are fully understood, but couples do need to be assessed.
If you have been for any kind of help and it hasn’t worked it doesn’t always mean it’s the end of the line.
I recommend to all couples that it’s so important to understand why they are really in trouble and what has to happen how to solve it.
So many couples do go round in circles because they are trying to fix what they think is their real problems. Trying to fix the wrong problem will only result in deeper circular patterns as the couple continue to live on different pages.
Maybe you are stuck or need a second opinion? If so I run no obligation to work with me evaluation meetings for couples who want to understand why they are where they are and what to do about it.
So if you would like me to evaluate your situation get in touch.